No Longer A Victim

This site contains some very disturbing information. This is your only warning.

I have set this site up so the oldest entry is at the top of the page.

This is a retelling of my experiences. My timelines are not always correct. I do not always remember the years correctly.

As I can no longer edit the dates to make this post go in reverse chronological order I will no longer be adding posts here. Please check my other blog for any further postings.

Location: Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

I have been walking a long and winding path. This is my healing path. I must say there were some points on the path where the end could not be imagined. I hurt all over and wanted to just stop and rest. I have not stopped. I have learned to rest while moving forward. I can not imagine the end of my path now. I do not want to imagine it anymore. The end of my path will be the end of my existence on this planet. I have learned to smile and I am enjoying life more now. The struggle pays off eventually.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Letter to Daddy

To the sperm donor,

I would first like to say that Harry Chapen Carpenter was only half right in his song "Cats in the Cradle", You were always too busy. Where he was wrong though is that the child was going to follow in the fathers foot steps. I am not going to keep myself so busy with work that my children suffer from it. I appreciate the fact that you were providing for your family. I do not however appreciate that you were never there to protect me from your wife's outbursts of rage which would cause me physical pain until I started to fight back. You also did not protect me from her emotional or mental attacks which went on alot longer than the physical attacks.

Next in the list is the fact that you have never told me you loved me or cared for me or that you were proud of me. Despite all that I have figured out that I am worthy of love and caring and respect and I am proud of me. There are many others who love me, care for me, and are proud of me.

Also sending me away for a summer to your brothers was a strock of genius. I did not realize that he had sexually abused you until years after he did it to me and you told me that it had happened to you as well and that I should chalk it up to experience and move on. Well I can not just chalk it up as experience and move on. I do not think you realize that he had his way with me many times, he also let his friends have thier way with me many times. This is not something that a twelve / thirteen year old should have to deal with. I should have been able to laugh and play and be a kid. Oh yeah I forgot I was not a kid I was a little adult who had no say in anything.

Thanks for allowing me to help you with your work when you could find no one else. It made me feel like a big man to help daddy with work. Its kind of funny the only memories I have of you are either passed out on the couch with a beer in your hand, or of you working. No memories of you playing with me or taking me to do fun things as a child. Oh I do recall going fishing for smelts once a year for a couple of years. Not much of a sport when you can reach into the water and pick up a fish. Takes the sport out of it. Try catching a trout or bass that way. I have been able to catch a trout and a bass and a salmon that way. I waded into the water and hunted them by hand.

Let me end this on a good note. Thank you for providing me with a roof over my head and food in my belly, and nothing else.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are awesome. good job.thank you

6:19 p.m.  

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