No Longer A Victim

This site contains some very disturbing information. This is your only warning.

I have set this site up so the oldest entry is at the top of the page.

This is a retelling of my experiences. My timelines are not always correct. I do not always remember the years correctly.

As I can no longer edit the dates to make this post go in reverse chronological order I will no longer be adding posts here. Please check my other blog for any further postings.

Location: Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

I have been walking a long and winding path. This is my healing path. I must say there were some points on the path where the end could not be imagined. I hurt all over and wanted to just stop and rest. I have not stopped. I have learned to rest while moving forward. I can not imagine the end of my path now. I do not want to imagine it anymore. The end of my path will be the end of my existence on this planet. I have learned to smile and I am enjoying life more now. The struggle pays off eventually.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Power tools

Ok picture this. You are given a task to perform. You want to do your best job. You want to impress your father. He is hardly ever home and you figure doing this for him might get you a bit of time with him. So you go outside and see a lot of skids piled high. He tells you that you need to take the circular saw and cut up all the skids. He shows you how long he wants them. Then he hands you a circular saw. You have never used one before and you feel the power of new experience. It feels great you are doing something good to help your Dad.

Well you go to cut the first piece and he sees that you do not use the thumb tab to lift the safety guard and tells you that you have to use your thumb to lift the guard to start cutting. He then goes into the house. So you do as you were told.

Now I must interject here. I was given those instructions. I was thirteen years of age. I was not told to release the safety guard once I started cutting. This is something that you must do.

So off I go I start cutting the skids down. I am on my very last cut. I am bent over the skid and I use my thumb on the safety guard like I was told and I open that baby up. I start cutting the wood. I am three inches into the three and a half inch wood when it pinches the blade. The circular saw kicks back. This happens so fast that there is no time to think or re-act. It is done and over. I released the trigger and see a very large opening in my track pants. I do not see any blood so I figure I am good. I must have just caught the pants and tore them. Nope not so lucky. I put down the saw and open up this very large tear in my track pants and see a gaping slash in my leg. I feel faint, however I manage to stay calm and walk into the house and tell my mother that I think I need to go to the hospital. She is not facing me at this point. She has her back to me and say oh what the hell have you done now? I say uhm I sorta cut myself. I know I am in trouble for ruining my track pants and I have not finished cutting the wood, however I figured I needed to have my leg looked after first. Well she turns around and sees my leg and freaks.

I must say its not bleeding very bad. I got very lucky and missed all the larger veins and arteries in my leg. The gash is deep and long. The blade on the saw was a forty two tooth ripping blade that was seven and a quarter inches across. Well the gash in my leg was seven and a quarter inches long. Easy enough to do the math. To this day my father still has that blade with my dried blood on it. Well my mother runs outside to grab a rag to wrap my leg in. She brings in a rag that was used to clean up some spilled gas. She refused to use any of her good towels for this. So she gets me the rag and gets my fathers attention. He was on the phone, business as usual. Well he gets all freaked out and runs out to the car gets in and backs out of the driveway without me. Then realizes that I am not there he pull into the driveway and stops the car with the front tire on my foot. He then starts yelling at me to get into the car. I can understand that he was frantic and all, however some attention to detail would have been nice.

I ended up with lots of stitches and got blamed for cutting my own leg. I was grounded and teased about it for a very long time.

Welcome to my childhood. There are more and I will share them as time goes on. Right now though my scar has started to feel funny and I need a break.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

*breathes deep* the car on the foot I can see in the heat of the moment but the rest...*takes another deep breath and lets it out slowly*

You are strong and becoming stronger every day. Sharing these little stores helps to lessen their hold on you. I love you and will be here for you...always

Your wife

7:27 p.m.  
Blogger TheBaggageHandler said...

I gasped when your mother refused to use her best towels and clutched my mouth when I read the rest.

I agree with your wife, telling the stories does lessen their hold and horror. The great thing about blogging about it all is that you aren't waiting for anyone's validation of your abuse. You can just spew it out as emotionally or unemotionally as you need to. We don't have to save anyone else's feelings or read the horror or even worse disbelief on their face.

Kudos to you for dealing with something a lot of people bury and try to forget.


7:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm struggling to get over my childhood abuse as well. your blog is both heartbreaking and helpful.
it's good to read that someone else feels the same way I do, although i wish neither of us did. good luck, and i'm sorry life happened like this.

3:04 a.m.  

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